Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Time Traveler's Instruction Manual

The Time Traveler’s Instruction Manual

First of all, thanks for purchasing the New Standard Deluxe Time Traveler Two-Thousand! I really think you’re going to enjoy it. The NSDTT2000 is the first of its kind, and by that, I mean the first ever. Before you get started jumping wormholes and such, take a moment to read the following message:

If you are reading this message in the year 2023, you are in a very exciting year. This is the year time travel was invented by yours truly!

Sadly, the machine’s settings won’t allow you to travel to before February 26 of this year; that’s the day time travel was discovered by yours truly. This is due to the fact of my hatred for Stephen Hawking, who stole all my ideas about time and space quite a few years back. At the time he assumed time travel didn’t exist because no one was traveling to the past, and I wouldn’t want to prove him wrong because he’d just update his book and be famous for even longer. As you know, now that you’re in the 2023, I started a rumor that he was a silly goat man which everyone believes, and that’s just the way I intend to keep it.

But don’t worry because the past wasn’t that great anyway. I was there, which is why I invented the NSDTT2000 so I would never have to be in the past again. What was so bad about it, you ask? Well, for one, in the third grade Molly Maxwell called me fat and stupid with big glasses when I asked her out on Valentine’s Day. I’m sure you can probably relate.

And if you need any more reason than that, the US elected Sarah Palin president in 2012 and she ended up being the anti-Christ. Talk about your bad luck! Now that we’ve handled that situation, it’s time to move on. It really is true what they say, it’s best to leave the past behind you.

You will also notice that you can only travel up to the end of year 2024. This is due to the fact that in 2025 a better time machine is invented that doesn’t leave the horrible rash from travel like mine does, and I wouldn’t want to get put out of business before I even have a chance to get rich!

This is a good point to discuss that rash. First of all, yes, it is an unavoidable but minor (in my opinion) side-effect of time travel with the NSDTT2000. It will cover the pubic region for the entire duration of the out-of-time experience and for a few days after returning to the present. A small price to pay, if I do say so myself! Of course some of you reading this will choose to wait until the nicer model comes out in 2025, but I encourage the bold to try my machine in the meantime, you won’t be disappointed.

Now, on to the fun part. When in the years 2023 to 2024 do I recommend traveling? Glad you asked. Firstly, you might try February 26, 2023. That’s the day time travel is invented by yours truly, and I greatly appreciate the congratulations you might offer me as soon as I’m done, which is approximately 3:37 PM.

Another great time to visit is December 11, 2024. This is the one time my machine gets me laid, and I greatly appreciate any congratulations you might offer me as soon as I’m done, which is approximately 11:58 PM. And since I like to spice things up a bit, feel free to watch; we’ll be starting at approximately 11:54 PM. Maybe you’ll have better luck encouraging my partner to enjoy it.

Before I forget, if you are reading this in any year after 2025 and for whatever reason aren’t using an updated time machine, come back and join me. I will be reliving the years 2023 to the end of 2024 for the foreseeable present, and what a present it is! Haha, but seriously, it’s definitely the best years of my life. (If you do decide to come back, could you bring me some ultra-strength Benadryl? For some reason the stuff they have at this time doesn’t stop the itching from the rash. Super!)

Again, thanks for purchasing the New Standard Deluxe Time Traveler Two-Thousand, and enjoy your travels!

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