Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Chain Gang

Of all the things that I find stupid and pointless in this world, the one that annoys me the most is the chain e-mail. The idea that something good can come from passing on a message that someone wrote after they had eaten seven Oxycoton while blasting self-produced Gospel is ridiculous.

Not only is it ridiculous, it’s a waste of a lot of people’s time. The work force is inefficient enough as it is. Most of us pass the day playing Snood and looking for nipple-slips in Facebook photo albums instead of finishing those reports that were due last week, because if we did finish those reports, there would be more from the never-ending pile so why not take our sweet ass time?

I digress. The point is: we don’t need anymore excuses to waste time. So why make chain e-mails? I’m not talking about the ones with jokes or funny videos in them that you might pass on at your own discretion. I need those for the last thirty minute stretch of work. I’m talking about the ones that request that you pass them on to at least ten people (the more the better!). My most recent example would be this one:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Just want you to know,
That I love you!!!!!!!
Pass this on to one person and something special will happen to you at midnight tonight!!!!
Pass this on to 10 people and you will meet someone special tomorrow before the end of the day!!!!!!
Pass this on to twenty people and you will meet the love of your life by the end of the week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What about the people who don’t want to meet the love of their lives by the end of the week? What about the ones who were hoping to have casual sex with that really hot co-worker who keeps flirting with them, but who isn’t available until the end of the week? Can we meet the love of our life and keep them as a back-up? Just in case that casual sex falls through and we don’t feel like drowning our sorrows in cheap beer and then crying to Damien Rice or Boyz II Men while coming down from cocaine at eight in the morning.

Maybe I’m just jaded from bad experiences with chain e-mails. So if anyone knows the creator of the chain e-mail, can you please forward this to him? Thanks!!!!

Dear Mr. Creator of the Good Luck Chain E-mail,

Part of your e-mail said if I forwarded your dumb poem to two hundred and fifty people, I would get laid by 12:02 that night. And then it said if I sent it to five hundred, the most amazing thing in the world would happen to me. Personally, I didn’t see what could be better than the first one, but I did it anyway, just in case.

First of all, I don’t know five hundred people, so after I depleted my Facebook contacts, I just had to make up e-mail addresses. Maybe that means what happened is partly my fault, but I definitely sent the poem to at least ten real people and you said something special would happen by the end of the workday, which is technically cheating because the fact that the workday ends is special in itself.

Imagine my initial surprise when something shiny caught my eye on my way home from work. And I didn’t really think something would happened, so it was especially awesome to think my luck might have been changing. Well, I went over to pick it up, and, can you believe it(?), it was a quarter!

That’s when things went bad. My shiny new twenty-five cents of good luck left a bad smell on my hand and to make matters worse I got gum stuck to my shoe. Later that night, I got a drink thrown in my face as I drowned my sorrows in one-dollar PBR and sang “I can’t take my eyes off of you” sweetly under my breath. Let me emphasize, sweetly under my breath. Let me also note, I was staring into space, not at that girl’s cleavage. She probably forwarded your e-mail too and was disappointed when she expected to get married to the man of her dreams at 12:02 but only got groped in the over-crowded bar that smelled like stale beer and bodily fluids.

I just wanted you to know, I am not passing on anymore of your “Good Luck Chain Letters” so keep them to yourself.


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