Monday, November 30, 2009

When Spitting Game Goes Wrong


It happens all the time. You’re at a party, having a great time. You spot a good looking girl across the room. You’d like to meet her. But what to say? You could always go with some cheesy pick-up line. After all, it’s the delivery that counts, right?

You: Was your father a jewel thief? Because it looks like he took two diamonds and put them in your eyes.
[The girl runs off crying.]
Her Friend: Her dad just got twenty years for robbing a jewelry store. Thanks a lot, asshole.

Note to self: Avoid comments about criminals.

You: Was your father a jeweler? Because…
[Girl runs off crying.]
Her friend: Her dad was a jeweler. And he just got killed over blood diamonds in Sierra Leon. Thanks a lot, asshole.

Note to self: Jewelry is a bad topic.

You: Was your father an astronomer? Because it looks like he took two stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
[Girl runs off crying.]
Her Friend: Did you hear about the space shuttle that just crashed? Her dad was an astronaut on that. Thanks a lot, asshole.

Note to self: Avoid pick-up lines involving dangerous professions.

You: Was your father a butcher? Because it looks like he took two perfect hams and stuck them down your pants.
[Girl runs off crying.]
Her Friend: Hear about the Bay Harbor Butcher? That was her dad. She’s still coping with the fact that she’s the daughter of a serial killer. Thanks a lot, asshole.
You: I was just…
Her friend: Maybe if you were a little more original, you wouldn’t have that problem.

Note to self: Be more original.

You: Can I buy you a drink sometime?
Her: I’m a recovering alcoholic. But thanks a lot, asshole.

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