Thursday, November 19, 2009

So You Want To Be a Hipster


More exclusive than the famed Secret Societies of the Ivy League schools are the groups of raging Indie rockers. Rooted in Brooklyn, these hipsters are invariably cooler than everyone else. Although breaking into their crowd can be near impossible, there are a few things one can do to better their chances of joining this elusive and exclusive club.

1. Don’t get discouraged.
These are people who have dedicated their lives to the movement. It is a modern group of rebels, and you aren’t going to be accepted at first. When speaking to a hipster, he or she will almost always ignore your first couple hundred questions. Make sure your questions are cool; limit them to questions about traveling in vans, bands with little to no fan base, and anything ironic.

2. Drink PBR.
Pabst Blue Ribbon is the drink of choice for hipsters. Why? Because it’s ironic that they would drink it. Not only does it taste like the lowest quality beer possible, it is a popular choice for Southern Americans (close behind Bud and Miller) who happen to be the exact opposite of hipsters. Southern Americans are the anti-hipster, supporters of the war and Dubya, yet both groups’ plasma consists of 67.89% PBR, the closest link of any two American demographics. Ironic coincidence? You bet.

3. Know as much as possible about existentialism.
Let’s be honest with ourselves. A lot of the existential philosophy is inexplicable. In fact, it is believed that the inventors of existentialism came up with their philosophy on Nitrous, and everyone who’s had a week of Whip-It binging knows the reason it’s awesome is because you feel connected to everything. As soon as you come down you feel connected to nothing, which led the same guys who invented existentialism to promptly invent Nihilism. (All of this and none of this can be confirmed and, either way, it means everything or it means nothing, which is the great thing about both philosophies.) If you begin to run out of moderately logical things to say, a reference to Kundera or “I Heart Huckabees” will always suffice. Both of these are a great source of inspiration for hipsters.

4. Deny, Deny, Deny.
You are never a hipster or Indie rocker, even if you are one. The terms are intolerable in the hipster community, and it is not Indie to conform to Indie standards. Avoid the terms at all cost, and if you get to the point where you’re accepted into this group, beat the shit out of anyone who suggests you’re a hipster or Indie rocker. Then sip another PBR. Now that’s cool.

5. When your favorite band gets popular, they are no longer your favorite.
If your favorite band’s fan base grows too large, they are no longer cool. In fact they are so un-cool, it is now OK to call them sell-outs. Because let’s face it, most people outside the hipster community are fucking idiots. So if idiots are listening to your favorite band, there’s no way they can be good. They should no longer be on your list of favorites. You might as well take your Nickelback and find somewhere else to hang you conformist. That shit doesn’t fly.

6. Congratulations.
So you’ve finally achieved hipster status. Fellow hipsters respond to your questions. They even quote that great comment you made last week on a coke binge at six in the morning about the idea of eternal return. (Look it up.) It is now acceptable for you to get a headband, ironic tee-shirt, and several tattoos without being called a poser. Move to Brooklyn and enjoy your new life.

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