Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Party On Wayne, Party On Garth

I’m no longer hanging out with intellectuals. I miss the stories you can only hear while sitting around a bon fire with a couple of drunk idiots.

Simply put, dumb people tell better stories. It’s not that they are better storytellers. They just have the advantage because much crazier shit happens to them. And more often than not, intellectuals don’t care to tell stories; they prefer to commentate on ones that have already been laid out.

If you plan on hanging out with either intellectuals or idiots, you should keep in mind the typical course of events in their respective gatherings.

Someone at a party full of dumb people will say, “Hey, Trigger! Tell that story about the mud pie,” and Trigger will say, “Man, this one time, me and Rex was ridin’ round in the truck doing the usual, splittin’ a twelver and smokin’ a doobie. So we stop for a fifth of Mr. Daniels.” At the mention of Jack Daniels everyone in the room will raise their glass and chug the remainders then grab a new drink. Trigger will finish his own drink and continue, “Long story short, I didn’t know when I asked the cashier for a blowjob and said I’d owe her one, the police would take it to mean solicitin’ a prostitute. So they’re chasing me down main street and Rex takes a shit in the paper bag that our Jack was in,” everyone finishes their second drink, “and he lights it on fire and throws it on the cop’s windshield. That was the first time we got arrested.”

Everyone will cheer and have sex and then drink some more and that’s pretty much what happens at a party with dumb people.

An intellectual party is nothing like that. At a party with smart people it is considered uncivilized to speak to more than five people at once so everyone splits off into small groups and spreads around the room to sample the cheese. Inevitably you will find yourself in one of these groups and the boldest of intellectuals will say, “I stumbled across the most vehemently atrocious program entitled COPS.” At the mention of such a commoner show, the other intellectuals will stop listening for fear the story continues with the intellectual enjoying the show, but he redeems himself by saying, “To make a long story short I find it distressing that in this country illiteracy often segues into playing with fecal matter.”

Everyone will lift their glass and discuss the sexual promiscuity of elementary school children all the while passing around an joint. This is an ornamental joint and should not be smoked. At most put it to your lips but don’t inhale. Occasionally someone at the party will offer you cocaine. When they do, grab a little between your fingers (called a bump) and sprinkle it on your head. That’s pretty much what happens at a party with smart people.

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